thank you

I was listening tonight to Alanis Morrisette's song, "Thank You." In it she sings about clarity, being grateful. This song she wrote after going to India to meet Mother Teresa. Her eyes were opened for the first time, she said. Her life up to that point was sad/hurtful/bitter, which were reflected in her past music. In India, she had received the clarity to realize it wasn't "all about her."

As I listened, I pored over my own life. My road was also tough, sad, hurtful and I too had moments of anger, of bitterness. I wrote two books during that time which I have since had taken out of print. Why? Because those books were from a time that was not "me." I certainly don't feel proud now promoting them because the majority of my work is uplifting. These books were full of the anger I had then. It was doing no one any good, most certainly not me!

We all have our moments of pain, of sorrow, of hurt and confusion. Some of us take it out on others while the rest just turn it back on ourselves. Now that I am married to the most wonderful man on the planet, surprisingly, we both have adult children who seem to resent our happiness and sling arrows our way, assuring us of uncertainty and pain. Why? These "kids" have significant others of their own. We don't meddle in their lives, we have been there for them through thick and thin, yet there it is. Because we have somehow "failed" in their eyes, we will be punished for it... and my heart grieves. I have no idea how to make this up. What is even more sad is that there are grandchildren involved...and we are missing out on those wonderful formative years.

I have come a long way however, from being angry and resentful, as I was a few years ago. I am now forgiving, hopeful...there may come a day when forgiveness will win the day. Until then, we just go forward, we stay available, anticipating a happy ending. Once again, I am not being a Pollyanna about this, it's just that, given the choice, do you think it is better to create conflict by stating the obvious: that we have done nothing wrong in their eyes, thus we're just beating ourselves up over guilt...or to just sit back, let them know we are here, they ARE still loved and when they remove their heads from the seats of their pants, will they see how wrong they were?

I have included the lyrics here from Alanis' song...read them and then think over the vents of your life...what moment changed YOU for the better?

How bout getting off of these antibiotics, How bout stopping eating when I'm full up, How bout them transparent dangling carrots, How bout that ever elusive kudo? Thank you India Thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty Thank you consequence Thank you thank you silence How bout me not blaming you for everything? How bout me enjoying the moment for once? How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you? How bout grieving it all one at a time? Thank you India Thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty Thank you consequence Thank you thank you silence The moment I let go of it was The moment I got more than I could handle, The moment I jumped off of it was The moment I touched down! How bout no longer being masochistic? How bout remembering your divinity? How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out? How bout not equating death with stopping? Thank you India Thank you providence Thank you disillusionment Thank you nothingness Thank you clarity Thank you thank you silence yeah! yeah! ahh ohhh ahhh ho oh ahhh  ohhhhhh yeaah! yeah!