to hell...and back

 

"the separation between heaven and hell is the tiny distance of space in your mind..."

A friend of mine once asked me if I believed in hell. I gave it a quick thought, then replied, "oh yes, I do." But it isn't the far-off, ever burning lake of fire that I believed in, rather it was/is the day to day suffering that can consume a soul until there is no relief.

For some people, a single 24 hour day can seem like an eternity. Simple thoughts can become massive and a decision can seem enormous! I was going through issues where I felt that everyone was against me, no matter how much I tried I could never "make things right." So...one sleepless night, I heard in the sound of silence a "voice" ask me, ever so quietly, "want to be relived of those thoughts? Want to have some fun? Want to give your soul to me?" I considered it. Oh yes, I gave it a lot of thought...and responded, "what the hell do I have to lose?"

Well...my SOUL maybe?

Yet I was at the point that I didn't care. I think back on it now...I suddenly dropped forty pounds without even TRYING! Guys looked at me like I was a babe magnet; in fact I had more attention than I had ever had in my life! I was making money like I had never had before...and God seemed like a distant relative I really didn't give two thoughts about...

...and I was miserable. Sellout my soul?... oh yes, I did...

...and the devil laughed. 

Now for those of you who don't believe this stuff....please stop and think about it. The devil is just as powerful as God is...and that was the way God meant for it to be--free will, remember?? The battle between Light and the prince of darkness and just as in the Garden of Eden, (the apple and being able to "know God") the devil is so subtle...he makes everything look so good...the seduction....wow...I had all the money, looks, sex and fame I could ever have imagined. I wrote two books during that time that I have since pulled from publication, they are that "bad." I never would have thought stuff like that would ever have come from my mind...but during that time, it did. Deep down, though, I was suffering from acute depression. I had just divorced, I had never experienced anything in my life that I could have considered "good," and in that time of my first freedom, I literally went nuts! In a bad way, a way that I am ashamed of, yet I tell you now in the hopes that you will not succumb to that pain. Because it came to the point that with a tiny bit of common sense I still had left, I knew I was doing something wrong. Life is not one grand party...it is the day to day responsibilities that we do to just get through. Yes, it can seem like hell, but it is actually in those moments of drudgery that we see God...in the tiny miracles that occur every day! We need to be aware of those moments. I realized then that I missed God...oh yes! I did...but wondered how to get Him back to me?

I prayed, I cried, I asked his Mother to tell him I was so sorry. I descended so far down that I hit bottom.

When you hit bottom and admit it...it is then that you can get back up. It took awhile, it took a horse ranch in northern Minnesota called Changing Gaits to give me that boost I needed. (I wrote all about this 'miracle' in "Walking in God's Shadow," Avid Reader's Publishing Group 2008.)

I am happy to say that life on this side is so much better. Those people that I thought were my "friends," who lead me astray...I shudder to think of what I went through...but I survived...and that is what is important! I survived that dark moment of my soul!

Every day you are also faced with temptations...it is in our weakness that God uses us--if we allow Him to. However, it is in that dark moment that the devil also comes calling. He enjoys our vulnerabilities. I can see why serial murderers do what they do...no remorse, no light in their eyes, or if there is one, it is an evil filled light. Recently in the news, there was a boy, Michael Swanson, who drove to Iowa with his father's shot gun and killed two store clerks for no reason, just "because". He was convicted to life without parole in prison. When read his verdict, he smiled and gave the judge a high five. I saw in his eyes a contempt that can only come from Evil.

“Sometimes you gotta go through hell to get to heaven. ~ Rocky Balboa

Tomorrow we will explore hell a bit more--because I believe that when we understand that it is not so much the "hereafter" we need to fear, it is the "now." Only then can we come to grips with it, dealing with it in a mature way.