end of life issues...who is right?

Today's blog is controversial in that it deals with death, suffering and who is in charge. When does death happen? Should it be when the life just ebbs from you...should it be when you decide? What is ethical/moral/legal? Maybe my story will shed some light.

I have been dealing with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis for almost twelve years. In that time, I have been dealing with issues related to immune system dysfunction including cancer, MRSA, toxic shock as well as many other aches, pains, flares. My bone cartilage in both knees has disintegrated to the point of bone on bone pain. Each day for me is rated on a pain scale of one to ten. I have never had a better day than a four or five, most days are seven and some can be nines or tens. Ten is the worst pain one can feel. (Or so they tell me, I have had fifteens too.)  I have dealt with most of it by granting myself a five minute pity party, then moving forward. Other days have found me in tears, but bravely putting on a good front. Some days when it is sunny and warm I am euphoric because I am feeling almost "normal," though I haven't had normal in many years. Now, I can have that "George Bailey"/ It's a Wonderful Life moment and contemplate being better off dead than alive, but I won't do that. I have friends and family who would be devastated by that decision. I am Catholic and suicide is just not the option for me. Yes, the saints of old "suffered" for their sins through various methods, but I am not that brave either. One hundred years ago the options of medical advancement that we enjoy today didn't give one the choice of "do I continue with treatment," because most times all that was available was aspirin, laudanum and whiskey.  Nowadays when we have the options of choice, we do what we can to prolong our life. But when does enough become too much? After all, if I were a dog I'd probably be long gone by now. Can humans be granted the same dignity as animals in that when we see them suffer we euthanize them?

We are not animals, but we do have a choice. It's called a Living Will. We choose a proxy who will carry out our wishes when we no  longer have that voice. It's sitting down with our family and making those decisions whether we want to be hooked to machines and wires or whether we would rather be given the choice to be as comfortable as possible until death takes over. I have chosen this for myself, that I would not want to be hooked to IV's and tubes. ..let me go. It is different from a Jack Kevorkian situation. There are no suicide drugs being inserted into me, there is no one telling me I will have it better if I die, this is MY decision. If and when I feel that I can no longer undergo the treatments for my illness now, I can, at any time, refuse treatment and ask only that I be kept comfortable. We all have that choice, which many patients are not aware of it! You are your own advocate. It is not suicidal to say "I am tired of this, I want nature to take over." I look at the days when it hurts to draw a breath and yet I am up and moving about because someone depends on me and give thanks that I do have people to care for. It motivates me. I have friends who also have health issues who say, "I want to give in, then I think of you and I keep going." I don't do anything other than go about my day, yet I feel that because others see me as inspiration, then I need to continue putting one foot in front of the other. And I thank God for that. We are all bound together in this circle of life. As long as I have that hope within me, I will go on for quite awhile yet!