that daily struggle which is all too real...........
The struggle in alcoholism is not just with the one drinking. It is with those also who can only stand on the sidelines and watch...helplessly...as their loved one sinks lower...and lower. The pain, the frustration of knowing that the only one in control...if one can even say that--is with the one drinking. All you can do is to be the advocate who takes away the car keys, who waits at home worried, "is he/she drinking?" The one who wants to do something with the one they love, only to have that person in the other room, too passed out to do more than breathe. It is not fair!!! So what do you do? Do you finally leave in disgust? Do you say, "we're through until you stop drinking!" Do you threaten, cajole, lay a guilt trip, all of the above...or none of the above? Are you a silent victim or a loud bully? When drunk, do they become a bully themselves, or a split personality of who they are when sober? Do they become violent? What do you do? What can be done?
I feel about as helpless as you if you are in this situation. The only one who can control drinking...is the drinker. No amount of lecturing, crying or guilt can change that. If you are in a violent situation, get out now! You owe it to yourself and your children to make the situation safe. Unfortunately, the drinker needs to hit bottom before they recognize that change is the only way, the only option they may have. For some, daily AA meetings and talks with their sponsor is what keeps them from falling again. For others, no amount of treatment, lecturing, detox, rehab or whatever else you call it will help. For them, their hell is a daily struggle until they have no one or nothing left.
my name is___________and I am an alcoholic. I can't say my name just yet because for me, and th ehell I put my spouse through it is enough to know that I have to live with this. I hear her cry, I know she grieves and wants "a normal life." Yet I can't give it to her. Diane I have read your book and want you to know that it has helped me and I urge others to read it also. Like it said in the book, don't judge us. I function enough to work and provide food for the table, a roof over my head and clothes...as well as to make sure there is a case of beer waiting for me when I come home each night. rob thank you for being so honest and writing that story. I wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic would read it and heed it. Please understand, we weren't born this way. I learned to like the tatse of alcohol. I lived with it and now can't live without it. It is my hell. Welcome to my world.
ReplyDeleteI have been following this blog for a long time and want you to know that I am glad for you Diane and for what you say. My husband drinks. Too much. I am ready to walk out on him. I can't take it anymore...he works, yes, but he then comes home, drinks till he passes out. So much for me in his world, right? Enter a new day...and the same old pattern. I knew he drank when I married him. I thought I could change him. I am realizing I can only change myself. I will look for this book at Barnes and Noble. Until then, please pray that I can deal with him just one more day. That's all I can do right now is just one. More. Day.
ReplyDeleteI lived with an abusive alcoholic for many years. I finally had to take the kids and leave. I am sorry but it was the only thing left to save myself and them from harm. I don't judge but when there ARE programs out there and he refused to go to any of them, instead saying it was all my fault that the marriage was bad...that denial is what can kill a person and their feelings for him. He has to hit bottom, it is the only way he can climb up and he hasn't hit that point yet. Maybe now he will. For now I need to care for me and the children.
ReplyDeletethis note is for "rob"--I am sitting in a library to get in from the cold. I have just become homeless because my wife threw me out. She doesn't want to tolerate my drinking anymore. She even told me she has "someone else" waiting for her, someone who doesn't drink and who will treat her right. I did treat her right! I worked hard, paid the bills and never once had affairs with other women. sure I drank on the weekends, but I told her I needed to relax. Now I have lost everything. I have asked here for the copy of your book to read. I hope that your words can help me understand why she did what she did. I need to understand myself as well, not easy! been drinking nearly all my life. my name is steve...and I am an alcoholic. As another writer here said, welcome to my hell.
ReplyDeleteGood grief Diane..get your head out of your ass! That man you are married to is a drunk!I have read your "book"... His "Princess?" Ha! You are his bitch! he will never change and for you to put up with his behavior makes me sick! Get out of that relationship! I was married to an alkie. I finally told him to get out. He chose his path, it was his bottle! Screw him and all drunks, they have what they deserve. For you to feel sympathy is downright ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteso another Thanksgiving has come and gone. My husband, who is also an alcoholic, needed to be watched like a hawk on prey because when he gets too much to drink, he has been known to ruin everything. There is no "feel good" holiday for me, I feel more like his babysitter than his wife! I hate holidays for that reason! I think (though I have not read your book) from what you have said about this book on this blog, plus the website and amazon, that you are living in fairy tale land. Get real, alcoholism is not glamorous. It is life draining! I stay with him for the economy, hoping someday either it or him will change. For you to vindicate yourself because you are his savior is wrong. No one can save an alcoholic except themselves. and many choose to live that lifestyle as long as they see they have permission to do so. For me, it is an embarrassment. Maybe someday when the kids will no longer speak to him, he'll "get it."
ReplyDeleteall I have to say to any and all of you people who are putting down rob and Diane is this: listen to Kenny Chesney's song: That's Why I am Here." In it you will hear of how alcohol is a devil that tempts you until all that is left is you and IT. Don't think t step into my life or the life of any drunk until YOU WALK IN OUR SHOES! yeah, I have been an "embarrassment" also, I have been a real asshole! But my friends who love me know that. They shake their heads but have never walked away! Maryann, instead of condemning your husband, what are his triggers? why is it necessary to have parties...does he feel uncomfortable? Is he hiding from insecurities? Susan, Diane has pointed out that there are many people who are in this same situation. That is what the book is about. Don't condemn us...if you can't do anything more, pray for us at least. thank you.
ReplyDeleterob, I wish you were able to interview me, as I have a story for you. Seeing all the negativity on here got me to thinking, I need to say my piece. I am 70 years old. I am an alcoholic. I have been drinking since I was 15. Yup, I was married, I served in the military, I held jobs, I was functioning--on the outside. On the inside, had you been a fly on the wall, you would have seen something different. My wife resented me for drinking. I told her, "woman, this is who I am. If you don't like it, leave." She did and took our four kids with her. They grew up without me, though I tried to make it for birthdays, graduations and babies, drinking took over. I would start drinking, thinking, "yeah, I'll get there." when it was time, I was too drunk to go. I lost my wife, I lost the respect of my kids. To this day, they barely tolerate me. I lost friends over the years. But I still have my bottle. Was it worth it? You know damn well what the answer to that one is.I know your pain, rob and I commend your wife for being THERE for you. It can't be easy on her, God knows, just do me one favor, please? Love her, lover her with everything you have. Because I lost my woman, and I would give my right nut to get her and the time we had back. Maybe I could make her see, just what she means to me even today. So there it is rob. My name is Dave. I am a drunk.
ReplyDeletethanks rob and Diane for your brutal honesty. Yes I drink, yes I get drunk, yes I have three DWI's...my life was one big party until DWI #3. Then my second wife left me, my first hates me, my kids from both marriages have nothing to do with me. I have wrecked more family get togethers than I can count and now, I am on my own. They don't tell you this shit on those beer commercials. God if I could go into the high schools and say, Look at me, major fuck up number one, don't be like me..." maybe they'll listen. Then again, I didn't either at their age. Yes rob, she is your princess....god, how did you get so lucky? My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic/.
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