what it takes.....
I have been following the many comments I have received on the blog, "the daily struggles..." about my book, "There but for the Grace of God (plus a few good friends & family) Go I." Some of the comments I couldn't even print because they were pretty caustic, to put it mildly. Some have commented on why I would even want to stay in a marriage to an alcoholic; one comment was even made to me by a book critic for the St Paul Pioneer Press paper! So I will tell you MY story and why it is important.
The moral is, Love lasts. When things get tough, you don't walk away. You work it out. Unless there is abuse/violence, you do what you can to make a go of it. You can't change the other person, but you do the best you can to change yourself. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. "Give me the Courage to change what I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference (changing someone else.) My husband has admitted that he is an alcoholic. I knew what I was stepping into when I married him. I know that Lady Alcohol will always have his heart. I don't try to change him, I try to adapt myself. It is complicated, unless you have dealt with this, it seems so cut and dried. Tolerance is a huge issue and yet a fine line I walk each day. What will I tolerate, what can I live with? How can I sit in judgment of someone who is being controlled by a demon bigger than he is? To know that he understands that yes, he does mess up but he tries so hard to make things right? I see his compassion, I see his goodness and only wish that others could/can also. I have read the comments from those who no longer have family or friends, they are alone. They have lost it all. I know personally a gal who also is in a relationship with an alcoholic. He provides for her and their two little kids. But she can't understand his need to drink and thus, fights between them about it are prevalent. She is now considering walking away. I look at my husband and what he has been through, the relationships lost, the pain he has also suffered and my heart can not and will not just leave. I am not in it to fix him or change him. I am in it for the long haul, to provide solace, companionship....love. In return, he has given me respect, security, and most of all, his heart. No, it is not easy. I see his struggles, but I am hoping that with another to share the load, those struggles can be just a bit lighter. I think of Jesus, what would he do? The Bible doesn't say how he responded to alcoholics, but I do know that His heart went out to those who suffered. He felt pain for others' losses.
My heart grieves also for the pain of another. I can't say that I have all the answers. I wish I could say "...and we lived happily ever after!" Ha! That stuff is of fairy tales. Life is what you make of it. Focus on the Good in someone, expecting that good will happen. If you focus on the bad, you will never be disappointed, for that is what you will be given...nothing but heartache. Knowing this...what will you be searching for?
The moral is, Love lasts. When things get tough, you don't walk away. You work it out. Unless there is abuse/violence, you do what you can to make a go of it. You can't change the other person, but you do the best you can to change yourself. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. "Give me the Courage to change what I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference (changing someone else.) My husband has admitted that he is an alcoholic. I knew what I was stepping into when I married him. I know that Lady Alcohol will always have his heart. I don't try to change him, I try to adapt myself. It is complicated, unless you have dealt with this, it seems so cut and dried. Tolerance is a huge issue and yet a fine line I walk each day. What will I tolerate, what can I live with? How can I sit in judgment of someone who is being controlled by a demon bigger than he is? To know that he understands that yes, he does mess up but he tries so hard to make things right? I see his compassion, I see his goodness and only wish that others could/can also. I have read the comments from those who no longer have family or friends, they are alone. They have lost it all. I know personally a gal who also is in a relationship with an alcoholic. He provides for her and their two little kids. But she can't understand his need to drink and thus, fights between them about it are prevalent. She is now considering walking away. I look at my husband and what he has been through, the relationships lost, the pain he has also suffered and my heart can not and will not just leave. I am not in it to fix him or change him. I am in it for the long haul, to provide solace, companionship....love. In return, he has given me respect, security, and most of all, his heart. No, it is not easy. I see his struggles, but I am hoping that with another to share the load, those struggles can be just a bit lighter. I think of Jesus, what would he do? The Bible doesn't say how he responded to alcoholics, but I do know that His heart went out to those who suffered. He felt pain for others' losses.
The most powerful two words in the New Testament are: He wept.
My heart grieves also for the pain of another. I can't say that I have all the answers. I wish I could say "...and we lived happily ever after!" Ha! That stuff is of fairy tales. Life is what you make of it. Focus on the Good in someone, expecting that good will happen. If you focus on the bad, you will never be disappointed, for that is what you will be given...nothing but heartache. Knowing this...what will you be searching for?
At first glance, I can see some calling you Mother Teresa. But I see the compassion in your heart. You understand the implications of what you have undertaken and seem to have a mature attitude about it. Not many do or would. I commend you and wish you the best. No I am not an alcoholic, nor have I been related to one, but I can see your determination to make others aware of what it entails.Good luck and God be with you!
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteby robb102
OK - the not-so-allmighty rob has read this. One would think I would stay on top of these things, right? Hell No! I spend my time driving a big-rig 10 -12 hours a day and coming home only to drink myself to sleep. And do it again. And again. and again.
ReplyDeleteDoes everyone think it's easy? Does everyone think that people such as myself do this shit because it's a simple choice to "DO" or "NOT TO DO"? Why do you pick your nose? You have to do it, correct? Don't try to lie to us all, you know you do!
It is so difficult to explain. I Love Diane and my family and friends with all my heart, I would die for them all three times painfully, (no more than three,though, it hurts!)To all you Naysayers out there, unless you are being physically abused or tormented emotionally on a regular basis,stop in your tracks where you are and take a look at another world. Scary shit, I KNOW, even ugly, but "We" people live in it every day of our lives.
I thank the Gods that be on a regular basis I somehow found Reverand Baum, or she found me. Weird how things work out, right? I have read and pondered some of the responses to these articles by Reverend Baum, (My Princess),Diane, and have discovered there seems to be a split theory of ""He is an ass and I'll dump him" or "I'll hang on until I find something better".
As stated in several comments, "I Love Him/Her, but..."
That is the important part ... I Love Him/Her ---
Keep reading Revearand Baum, I think I may have married a Saint. Thank You Princess.
Rob...I had to go back to see what all the hubbub was about! This blog is well put together! Not since Andy Rooney have I seen such honesty, Rev. Baum speaks from the heart! I just came across this by accident (? is anything REALLY an accident? Such as your meeting with your now wife, rob?)I have worked with alcoholics and counseled them. Diane has a very tough row to hoe. There are two sides as you know. The ones who don't drink, who just KNOW that they are RIGHT> There are the alcoholics themselves who despite trying, have fallen off the wagon and the ones who are RIGHT condemn them. I am reminded of Jesus, "Has anyone condemned you?" he asked when speaking to the prostitute. She shook her head, no. "Then neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more!" I imagine, rob, that you have been through enough treatment for two lifetimes and have contented yourself with, "this is how I am." The fact that you have your diseases under "control" enough to still function says a lot. The fact also that you have found that special someone also says a lot. I am willing to bet that without HER, you'd probably have the OTHER foot in the grave by now. Would that we all could be so lucky. My friend, go...live your life in peace and may you find blessings. I say this to all...may you find blessings! Do not condemn another, but lift each other up!
ReplyDeleteThen neither do I condemn the "perfect" people out there. So be it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Rev Kory Ustes.
hey there...I saw this post on a friend's Facebook page and read it. So glad I saw it. It answered so many questions I have had. I am an alcoholic, I finally admitted it to myself. I am only 27 years old, and if the above comment is true, I am REALLY glad I saw this. I have lived a wild lifestyle, think Nickleback's Burn it to the Ground...I know I am on a rollercoaster from hell and I have to get off. My girl of four years left me last week, said to straighten up or she'd walk. I choose wrong, I guess, but rob, how do I get her back? rob how did you straighten out your life, cause mine is sure fucked up! So maybe this is a good thing. I gotta get me that book and read it. Just know, man, that you are not alone, there's millions of us out here, we just make like all is ok. It ain't.
ReplyDeleteThis comment is to rob: I had the dad that was an alcoholic dad for the first 27 years of his life and I had been let down over and over by my father to the point that it's "Depressing" --WOW!!!! Its an illness, look it up i do believe its classified as a disease. Trust me, YOU think you are depressed and saddened by this behavior, he is more than likely harder on himself than anyone could ever be!!!! Why don't you try some classes at AA and get on board??
ReplyDeleteThis means so much to me, I was an addict to opiates for 7 years. I almost lost my wife and tried to take my own life three times. With her love and support, I made it through to the other side and have been sober for almost 8 years now. Thank you to my own princess, you don't even realize what you did for me and I will love you for the rest of my life! you are the most important thing to me and I don't ever want to go back to that place and ! know with you next to me, I wont ever slide again!Thank you rob for saying what needed to be said. Street drugs, prescription shit or booze, it's all the same, in the end, it kicks your ass!
ReplyDeletemy mom knew a Rob back in Arizona...I was so young yet, but I remember that there was a Rob who took care of me for awhile. If this is the Rob I am thinking, Rob I am OK. I want you to know that. I have vague memories of you, but they are good ones. I am in New Mexico now. I hope that you are well also. Good luck to you--I am going to see if this copy of the book that is mentioned is at my school library. If not, I am thinking it should be! I need to get my brother to read it also. farewell and peace.
ReplyDeleteOMG! WTF! and other www things I don't know about!
ReplyDeleteI don't get much time on this thing, not since I burned out on Farmville anyway. Don't buy the Zinga stock, it closed 55 cents lower than they opened with today! (free advice!)Got home early tonight because I did an early run this morning(oof dah! can you say hungover after a 5 hour nap?)
But then my wife, the Oh-So-Inspirational Rev. Baum told me to check out her blog spot. And I did. This is where the OMG and WTF comes in.
I believe I have already thanked the reverand Kory for his insights, but I would like to thank him again. Take heed to his wisdom.
Another rob wrote how he was "Only" 27 and f'ing his life up and had lost his gal pal. He told me I am not alone in the world in which I exist. And asked how to get her back. To You, Another rob, I thank you for letting me know I am not the only assfaced shitpuhin' "Throw it to the ground tonight" (NickleBack!) type of guy out there, I do appreciate it! Honestly. As far as getting her back, you can lie and tell her what she wants to hear and lick her privates again, but if you are like me, next week, month...the real you will come out and she will just get all emotional again. I told the Rev. when we first hooked up when she asked me, "what if I told you it's either quit or I walk" I told her "Don't make me choose, you will probably loose in the end." She chose to stay. Amen. If you choose to stay as we are, let go and stay out of jail - IF (cap letters) you think you love her that much and can quit -by all means, do it. Don't lie to yourself and her though, it is a pain in the rectum. And hearts. Gotta make your choice, another rob, there appears to be no middle ground in this world. Especially if they have breasts!!
USMCdevildog - I, and USA in general, thank you for your services. I've been addicted to just about all there is to be addicted to (minus heroin, I watched to many fools throw up to even try that!)and can appreciate the kickin of the crap! I hope your princess is as great a lady as mine and you 2 do well forever and a day! I even hope you 2 win the lottery and share it with us!!
End response 1 - don't want to run out of space!!! Stay tuned for response 2!!
RESPONSE 2 - Space Saver!!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, to Sherree - I thank you for your concern and advicce. BUT - After 40 something years, do you not think I may have tried AA and the like? I have been to 5 or 6 different treatment centers, know all the steps, have done them all at least twice, and yet, here I sit with the Captain and Buddy Bud by my side. It's kind of like cancer or AIDS, they are looking for a cure. Other than death, I don't think they'll find one. Thank You though..
And for the final 2 - the really F'ING OMG!! WTF!! Holy Crap! etc. etc. etc.
Has anyone ever had an experience in their lives that that altered their world at the time dramatically,(and followed you forever) made you change your entire existense to help a child,(at the time) fall in love with that child (while she was 2 or 3 or 4 years of age)?? for only a month?
I don't know how to express this properly for the world to see, but if "My Ambers" and Alecia would like to contact me, and I wish you would, lets start at rmoore197439@yahoo.com It made me cry to hear that "MyAmbers" is OK. Emotional me, don't you know?