perfectionism

 Yesterday I spoke of imperfection and how we tend to judge others...as well as ourselves. The opposite end of this , perfectionism, can be just as debilitating. Psychologist Mel Schwartz explains in his post called “The Problem of Perfectionism”:

In our culture we move relentlessly toward greater emphasis on achievement and goal attainment. We ask our children what their grade was, not what they learned. We tend to measure our lives in terms of success and achievement and lose perspective on what it may mean to live well. This ruptures any sense of balance in our lives. We seem to lose the capacity for wonder and awe. Could you imagine looking at a magnificent rainbow and complaining that the width of one color was imperfect because it was narrower than the other colors? Not only would that be ridiculous, we’d also be ruining the splendor of the moment. And yet that is exactly what we do when we judge ourselves for our imperfections. We forget that as humans we’re part of nature, as well. As such, we would benefit if we came into acceptance of the natural flow of life, which by the way, happens to be imperfect.

In her book, Better By Mistake, author Alina Tugend offers a helpful distinction between good perfectionism and bad perfectionism:

Being a perfectionist isn’t a bad thing; in fact, it may mean you have very high standards and you often meet those standards. Those who have perfectionist tendencies without having those tendencies rule — or ruin — their lives are what psychiatrists call “adaptive” perfectionists. They find it very important to do certain things in the right way, but this need doesn’t hinder their lives and can actually help them achieve great success….
On the other hand, what psychiatrists call maladaptive perfectionists need to be the best at everything, and if they make a mistake, it’s a crisis. It’s also not just about how they perceive themselves, but about how others perceive them: they believe they will lose the respect of friends and colleagues if they fail. They have to hit all their marks all the time. Their need for perfectionism can sabotage their own success.

In my own life, I know people who suffer from depression. If things don't ALWAYS go EXACTLY as they have planned, they feel they have failed. When I was promoting my book, "There but for the Grace of God (plus a few good friends & family) Go I," I was at AA meetings and have spoken to alcoholics who, if they "fall off the wagon," feel it is such a tragedy that they absolutely refuse to even try to get back up again. In some cases, they see their failure as a reason or excuse to keep on drinking. In others, they are too embarrassed to seek help once more.

Why do we allow what others think of us to control how we live our lives? What matters is what WE think, how WE feel...if it isn't hurting anyone, then by all means, use your "imperfection" as a learning tool. See where you can maybe try a different path. Never say never, and use every opportunity to move forward. For anyone...and I do mean ANYONE to sit in judgment is absolutely wrong. We all are humans. We all have failed.

What matters is not how we have failed, but rather, how we got back up! I am cheering for you---are you cheering for yourself as well??