hurry up and wait

Whenever I get down and depressed, I try to think of someone who has it worse than I do. It makes feeling sorry for myself seem so trivial. Yesterday I went before a judge to appeal for my disability benefits through social security. It is time to admit it, I can no longer work to support myself.  There, sitting before said judge, I could hear the words of "judge not, lest ye be judged," running through my head as I prayed that he would understand just what it is I am going through. Bowling? Me? I haven't bowled in three years. Same with horseback riding. The pain has been just to much to take. In fact, so many things I once could do, I now watch others do. And this is what depresses me. Do I even have a purpose in life anymore? Am I that horse whose time has come? We all are born with a purpose. Babies have to roll, then sit up and finally walk. This is just the way it is. As kids grow, their purpose is to learn all they can about life so that as adults, they can apply it. The purpose then, of adults, is to live a life of worthiness, giving back for all those years of taking.

So, where do I fit in, if at all? 

There was an occupation expert at this meeting, who listed off the things I could do, which the judge reminded him that my scores in physical therapy have shown that I can't. The room became silent and I could almost hear the whispers of "grovel, you worm!" I felt humiliated. The judge said, "you're too young to be having these issues," and the best one, "you realize with times as hard as they are, we need to prove who can and who cannot work..." Yes, I am aware of times, I am also aware of what I used to do: I held down several jobs at once, working 12-16 hour days just to provide. I was Scarlett O'Hara, "I shall not starve! as God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!" I never asked for food stamp handouts and the one time I went to a food shelf, I was told I needed an appointment three days hence to get anything. I had to prove my need. There was that word again: PROVE. As I was doing yesterday. Proving my need. I do not lie, if I need it, believe me, I must be at the bottom of the pile to ask.
I became even more depressed.
It is in this depression that I/we must listen even more carefully for God's whispers. They don't always come like trumpets and drum solos. It is in the darkest hour that an answer arrives. I have to wait for two more weeks because the judge didn't have all the evidence that he needed. Never mind that I hobbled in, in so much pain that even sitting still hurt. He needs a note from my doctor to "prove" my condition. Huge sigh. please pray for me that this goes well for me. The only choice I have is to appeal. More time to wait, I am thinking.

But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.~ Isaiah 40:31