of life and chocolate....
I had an interesting conversation not too long ago with an alcoholic. Not a recovering alcoholic, but rather someone who knows he has a drinking problem and, despite trying many times for many years, just cannot find the inner strength to quit. I tried to put myself into his shoes; tried to imagine what it must feel like to want something so bad, but falling just short of the goal, so he just kept on with the status quo. I patted his arm in comfort and said, "although I sort of 'know' of what you speak, I cannot say for sure that I have been there." I am not an alcoholic, in fact, anyone who has seen me do a "shot" laughs hysterically. I drink it like I am sipping hot tea, pinky finger extended and all!
I thought about it for a long time and the closest I can come to any sort of "addiction" is chocolate. I know I am putting it in very simple terms, and I apologize to all of who are struggling with addictions, but please hear me out, for I am NOT belittling you in any way. Chocolate doesn't get you a DWI, you don't lose your job for showing up at work strung out on it, yet it is the only thing I can think of in my own idiotic layman's world. I cannot eat just one little fun size bar. If there is a bag of it, I tend to plow through the whole thing, feeling guilty, but oh so sated.
What do you know, the grocery store had a sale on bags of chocolate just in time for the upcoming Halloween season. Two bucks a bag. Huge sigh. "Oh well, I'll get a couple of bags and put them away. They'll be safe in the freezer till Halloween." I said to myself.
Yeah right.
Ok, I had one. That was it. Just one. The rest remained hidden away.
Except the taste of one remained in my mouth, even after I drank a huge glass of water to rinse it out.
One then became two.
AGH! I resolved, that was it! I knew where the stash was, but I was done. No more!
Two became three.
Ok..I told myself that three was plenty, I had my fill, I didn't "need" more.
Three became four. By now, I was really upset with myself. In for a penny, in for a pound, right? I mean, I had just defeated my resolve, why not have...five?
Six bars later, I was kicking myself. My stomach hurt, no thanks to the ordeal I had with stomach cancer a few years back, when I was told, "NO sugar products!" and that included chocolate. I felt absolutely miserable. I wanted to throw up, but couldn't. I wished I COULD throw up, anything to get rid of this icky, nauseated feeling. I felt higher than a kite as the sugar took hold of my system and literally had me feel as though I was flying. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't focus, my mind was gone.
And this must be what it's like being addicted to somethign else, I thought. Drugs, alcohol, even sex. That feeling of "I'll only do this ONCE! I can quit any time! Ok, maybe twice, who'll know?" Then before you know it, you're in deep, feeling awful and then you cave, because you really don't care anymore.
Until the high wears off, the feelings of euphoria have quieted down and it's back to reality time.
Except now you have a hangover, or are wasted, or, if sex addiction is your "thing," you feel like a whore who has just sold herself/himself out.
"That was the LAST time! I'll NEVER do THAT again!"
It has been said about meth that when a person consumes it for the first time, the high is so orgasmic, that the person will do it again and again, seeking that first feeling of being high. But it never happens. Soon, the drugs call you and you ignore everything else just to find what you had the first time. It's true of smoking cigarettes, of drinking, of all of those "sins of the flesh." Excess. Gluttony. And the Pride of, "I can quit any time I want to."
And the ones who watch you try to deal with it...until one by one, they fade away. Or, in the case of children, left behind, waiting for mommy or daddy to come back to reality.
And they wait.
And wait.
A little girl in Danbury, WI died recently as a result of mommy and daddy doing drugs. Only three years old, she decided to go find "life," wandering away from her home in boredom time after time, only to be returned by the neighbors around her home. Until one day, she wandered off...and drowned in a river next to their house. Authorities said that had her parents been watching and aware, they would have seen her right outside a large window they had blocked off with sheets. In fact, the family dog had followed her down to the river, then waited for someone to come find them when news of her disappearance became known. She died needlessly, waiting for mommy and daddy to come back--to reality.
All I had was chocolate...but that small lesson showed me what people with addictions will go through to get what they feel they have to have. For many who have been addicted for years, their bodies crave it. I know of a man who went to prison to serve time for violating his 7th DWI probation. He had to be put in solitary confinement for 60 days. He had drank so much in 30 years that his body needed-- no craved... those toxic fluids to survive. And when he didn't have it, he became violent. Sixty days in a eight foot square cell, with only a bed and brick walls to stare at.
Yes, I do put myself into the shoes of those addicted--without judgment. I pray they can find their way out. It is no fun being on the outside, watching...and waiting. Life is beautiful...are you going to allow it to slide right by?
I thought about it for a long time and the closest I can come to any sort of "addiction" is chocolate. I know I am putting it in very simple terms, and I apologize to all of who are struggling with addictions, but please hear me out, for I am NOT belittling you in any way. Chocolate doesn't get you a DWI, you don't lose your job for showing up at work strung out on it, yet it is the only thing I can think of in my own idiotic layman's world. I cannot eat just one little fun size bar. If there is a bag of it, I tend to plow through the whole thing, feeling guilty, but oh so sated.
What do you know, the grocery store had a sale on bags of chocolate just in time for the upcoming Halloween season. Two bucks a bag. Huge sigh. "Oh well, I'll get a couple of bags and put them away. They'll be safe in the freezer till Halloween." I said to myself.
Yeah right.
Ok, I had one. That was it. Just one. The rest remained hidden away.
Except the taste of one remained in my mouth, even after I drank a huge glass of water to rinse it out.
One then became two.
AGH! I resolved, that was it! I knew where the stash was, but I was done. No more!
Two became three.
Ok..I told myself that three was plenty, I had my fill, I didn't "need" more.
Three became four. By now, I was really upset with myself. In for a penny, in for a pound, right? I mean, I had just defeated my resolve, why not have...five?
Six bars later, I was kicking myself. My stomach hurt, no thanks to the ordeal I had with stomach cancer a few years back, when I was told, "NO sugar products!" and that included chocolate. I felt absolutely miserable. I wanted to throw up, but couldn't. I wished I COULD throw up, anything to get rid of this icky, nauseated feeling. I felt higher than a kite as the sugar took hold of my system and literally had me feel as though I was flying. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't focus, my mind was gone.
And this must be what it's like being addicted to somethign else, I thought. Drugs, alcohol, even sex. That feeling of "I'll only do this ONCE! I can quit any time! Ok, maybe twice, who'll know?" Then before you know it, you're in deep, feeling awful and then you cave, because you really don't care anymore.
Until the high wears off, the feelings of euphoria have quieted down and it's back to reality time.
Except now you have a hangover, or are wasted, or, if sex addiction is your "thing," you feel like a whore who has just sold herself/himself out.
"That was the LAST time! I'll NEVER do THAT again!"
It has been said about meth that when a person consumes it for the first time, the high is so orgasmic, that the person will do it again and again, seeking that first feeling of being high. But it never happens. Soon, the drugs call you and you ignore everything else just to find what you had the first time. It's true of smoking cigarettes, of drinking, of all of those "sins of the flesh." Excess. Gluttony. And the Pride of, "I can quit any time I want to."
And the ones who watch you try to deal with it...until one by one, they fade away. Or, in the case of children, left behind, waiting for mommy or daddy to come back to reality.
And they wait.
And wait.
A little girl in Danbury, WI died recently as a result of mommy and daddy doing drugs. Only three years old, she decided to go find "life," wandering away from her home in boredom time after time, only to be returned by the neighbors around her home. Until one day, she wandered off...and drowned in a river next to their house. Authorities said that had her parents been watching and aware, they would have seen her right outside a large window they had blocked off with sheets. In fact, the family dog had followed her down to the river, then waited for someone to come find them when news of her disappearance became known. She died needlessly, waiting for mommy and daddy to come back--to reality.
All I had was chocolate...but that small lesson showed me what people with addictions will go through to get what they feel they have to have. For many who have been addicted for years, their bodies crave it. I know of a man who went to prison to serve time for violating his 7th DWI probation. He had to be put in solitary confinement for 60 days. He had drank so much in 30 years that his body needed-- no craved... those toxic fluids to survive. And when he didn't have it, he became violent. Sixty days in a eight foot square cell, with only a bed and brick walls to stare at.
Yes, I do put myself into the shoes of those addicted--without judgment. I pray they can find their way out. It is no fun being on the outside, watching...and waiting. Life is beautiful...are you going to allow it to slide right by?
I am a chemical dependency counselor and i have to say, I have not heard addictions put this way before. I just shook my head at your simplicity, but then, you admitted that!!! But I read it again and realized you are indeed right. You also forgot though about the shopaholics, who have to have STUFF to feel fulfilled. All addictions have an inner need that is not being filled. Maybe its low esteem, or a need to fit in, as in high school and peer pressure. Whatever IT is, you are right in that you need to go after what is wanted without regard to what the end result will be like, until it is too late. In the case of the little girl, I too heard that on the news and grieved. Parents need to wake up and see what their addictions are doing to kids. Some are lucky enough--if you can even say that--to get put in a foster care system. Other kids though witness mom and dad through the worst of the worst and usually grow up with addictions of their own. WHY? To fulfill that need of being abandoned. O am working with the person whom you helped publish a story about her mother's addictions. Together, we want to reach out to these kids, so they don't perpetuate the feelings of "I am worthless," by doing drugs or worse, committing suicide. rev...do me a favor and write about these lost children. Tell it from that standpoint, maybe that will help to wake people up! You have a voice, God is with you! Now go for it!
ReplyDeleteI think of those hoarding shows and what some of those people are going through as well. Addictions come in all forms and who are we to judge another's pain?? Thank you Rev Baum for looking beneath the pain and showing us this world as well.
ReplyDeleteyour chocolate experiment is a lot like what an alcoholic goes through: first is the denial of "only one won't hurt!" then comes the acceptance: "ok, make it two." then the guilt, "might as well have more!" then comes the morning after...and a pissed off wife...and on it goes. And we tell ourselves it won't happen again...until the next time...and the next.It's a treadmill we can't get off of.
ReplyDeleteyou can get off of it--you just choose not to, sad sack!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, IF the whole world were to be as righteous as yourself, we would all be getting forclosed on, filing bankruptcys and wondering what happenened, now wouldn't we?
ReplyDeleteIgnorance of life is no way to go through it!
Your world just sucks in a different way than others.
And I really hope it hurts worse!