healing your inner child
I was watching a repeat episode of the King of Queens last night and the episode was very interesting. Each character stepped back into themselves to see why they acted the way they did as adults. They saw how they protected themselves from harm by either jumping into a situation and acting defensive or else withdrawing into themselves to avoid conflict. I mulled it over and thought how sometimes introspection is a good thing. We all need to take that step back and evaluate our lives to see why we do what we do, why we behave as we do. For example: Me. I am basically a wuss. I admit it. I have seen too much conflict in my life since very young. I tend to withdraw to save myself from hurt. Yet when an issue comes up that involves someone or something else that I care about, I will dive right in with the best of them and stand up for what is right. Thus I made a good peacekeeper between my mom and dad, but not for myself as I grew up. I became an enabler, co-dependent, as in, "but if I stick up for myself, I will be abandoned, hurt, left out..." whatever. I learned only five years ago to stick up for me, because then I can also stand up for what is right and be of help to others. Thus the writings I have done over the years about topics such as child abuse and alcoholism. That introspection is what saved me...from...me.
This next article I saw on the blog "beyond belief." I hope it is informative to you or to someone you know. Feel free to pass it on.
According to John Bradshaw, author of “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child,” the process of healing your wounded inner child is one of grief. And it involves these seven steps (in Bradshaw’s words):
1. Trust
For your wounded inner child to come out of hiding, he must be able to trust that you will be there for him. Your inner child also needs a supportive, nonshaming ally to validate his abandonment, neglect, abuse, and enmeshment. Those are the first essential elements in original pain work.
2. Validation
If you’re still inclined to minimize and/or rationalize the ways in which you were shamed, ignored, or used to nurture your parents, you need now to accept the fact that these things truly wounded your soul. Your parents weren’t bad, they were just wounded kids themselves.
3. Shock
If this is all shocking to you, that’s great, because shock is the beginning of grief. After shock comes depression and then denial.
4. Anger.
It’s okay to be angry, even if what was done to you was unintentional. In fact, you HAVE to be angry if you want to heal your wounded inner child. I don’t mean you need to scream and holler (although you might). It’s just okay to be mad about a dirty deal. I know [my parents] did the best that two wounded adult children could do. But I’m also aware that I was deeply wounded spiritually and that it has had life-damaging consequences for me. What that means is that I hold us all responsible to stop what we’re doing to ourselves and to others. I will not tolerate the outright dysfunction and abuse that dominated my family system.
5. Sadness
After anger comes hurt and sadness. If we were victimized, we must grieve that betrayal. We must also grieve what might have been–our dreams and aspirations. We must grieve our unfulfilled developmental needs.
6. Remorse
When we grieve for someone who has died, remorse is sometimes more relevant; for instance, perhaps we wish we had spent more time with the deceased person. But in grieving childhood abandonment, you must help your wounded inner child see that there was nothing he could have done differently. His pain is about what happened to him; it is not about him.
7. Loneliness
The deepest core feelings of grief are toxic shame and loneliness. We were shamed by [our parents'] abandoning us. We feel we are bad, as if we’re contaminated. And that shame leads to loneliness. Since our inner kid feels flawed and defective, he has to cover up his true self with his adapted false self. He then comes to identify himself by his false self. His true self remains alone and isolated. Staying with this last layer of painful feelings is the hardest part of the grief process. “The only way out is through,” we say in therapy. It’s hard to stay at that level of shame and loneliness; but as we embrace these feelings, we come out the other side. We encounter the self that’s been in hiding. You see, because we hid it from others, we hid it from ourselves. In embracing our shame and loneliness, we begin to touch our truest self.
This next article I saw on the blog "beyond belief." I hope it is informative to you or to someone you know. Feel free to pass it on.
According to John Bradshaw, author of “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child,” the process of healing your wounded inner child is one of grief. And it involves these seven steps (in Bradshaw’s words):
1. Trust
For your wounded inner child to come out of hiding, he must be able to trust that you will be there for him. Your inner child also needs a supportive, nonshaming ally to validate his abandonment, neglect, abuse, and enmeshment. Those are the first essential elements in original pain work.
2. Validation
If you’re still inclined to minimize and/or rationalize the ways in which you were shamed, ignored, or used to nurture your parents, you need now to accept the fact that these things truly wounded your soul. Your parents weren’t bad, they were just wounded kids themselves.
3. Shock
If this is all shocking to you, that’s great, because shock is the beginning of grief. After shock comes depression and then denial.
4. Anger.
It’s okay to be angry, even if what was done to you was unintentional. In fact, you HAVE to be angry if you want to heal your wounded inner child. I don’t mean you need to scream and holler (although you might). It’s just okay to be mad about a dirty deal. I know [my parents] did the best that two wounded adult children could do. But I’m also aware that I was deeply wounded spiritually and that it has had life-damaging consequences for me. What that means is that I hold us all responsible to stop what we’re doing to ourselves and to others. I will not tolerate the outright dysfunction and abuse that dominated my family system.
5. Sadness
After anger comes hurt and sadness. If we were victimized, we must grieve that betrayal. We must also grieve what might have been–our dreams and aspirations. We must grieve our unfulfilled developmental needs.
6. Remorse
When we grieve for someone who has died, remorse is sometimes more relevant; for instance, perhaps we wish we had spent more time with the deceased person. But in grieving childhood abandonment, you must help your wounded inner child see that there was nothing he could have done differently. His pain is about what happened to him; it is not about him.
7. Loneliness
The deepest core feelings of grief are toxic shame and loneliness. We were shamed by [our parents'] abandoning us. We feel we are bad, as if we’re contaminated. And that shame leads to loneliness. Since our inner kid feels flawed and defective, he has to cover up his true self with his adapted false self. He then comes to identify himself by his false self. His true self remains alone and isolated. Staying with this last layer of painful feelings is the hardest part of the grief process. “The only way out is through,” we say in therapy. It’s hard to stay at that level of shame and loneliness; but as we embrace these feelings, we come out the other side. We encounter the self that’s been in hiding. You see, because we hid it from others, we hid it from ourselves. In embracing our shame and loneliness, we begin to touch our truest self.
I'd say Rev that #7 applied to you growing up. Good to see that you have worked your way through it. It has made you who you are today though...so always remember that. Those with compassion are the ones who have lived through the worst kinds of pain and survived!!
ReplyDeleteI have to say Rev Baum that most of these traits belong to alcoholics. This is why we drown our sorrows, if only to shield us from pain that is life. Do we realize that we are digging a hole deeper with each bottle we consume? Probably not until someone points it out, then we complain because they are stealing our "fun" from us. We feel the remorse, the guilt, the loneliness. We have no real friends except the ones who drink with us. They won't let us down until the booze or money for it runs out. and the wife...ha...don't get me started! She bitches about how I could be better, our life could be better. I drown out her pain by drinking even more until---I have nothing. You just don't know until you have lived it. It hurts. A lot. thanks for listening.
ReplyDelete