of moms and such.....

I am currently reading a book by Kristin Hannah titled, "winter garden." It  details a woman, living in Russia during the Great Terror and Hitler's invasion, who has spent the rest of her life closed up about the details of her past. It is only after her husband dies that her two daughters question the past that she never spoke of...and how she finally opens up and reveals horrors that no one should ever have to live through.
Today a friend spoke of how her much beloved mother has Alzheimer's and needs assisted 24/7 care. This disruption into their lives is a horror story of its own as they try now to adjust to different routines.
As I have read the book and now with the news from my friend, I have pondered my own life and its past concerning my mother. My mother was physically and verbally abusive. She was also bi-polar, with ups that were UP and downs that were hell for all of us. All of my young life, I learned to stay away from her down times, which became more frequent until I married just after turning 17 years of age, anything to be away from the pain. I am realizing now that, like the daughters in the story, I know very, very little of my mother's past. In fact, to recount the details takes only five fingers.
How sad is this, that I know more about my (wonderful) mother in law than my own flesh and blood....?
So I ponder...what did she witness that she couldn't reveal anything to anyone? Even my own father couldn't get her to spill anything and God knows, he tried. I wonder about the abuse that she heaped on me...what provoked those outbursts? In thinking back now, I wish I had pushed the subject a little more myself as an adult, instead, I let the time slip away as I cared for her in her last three weeks. It was only four days before she passed away that she finally apologized to me for all the pain she brought upon me and I accepted it. But what else should I have done?
This brings to mind once again...we should never ever take relationships for granted. Regrets are a huge price to pay and the debt is lifelong. Once a person is gone...that's it, there are no retakes. Why hold onto pain as if it were a talisman? Who wins?
No one.
Who loses?
Everyone.
Not every family is the Walton's...the Cartwrights...the Ingalls....there is dysfunction, I will not deny that, but it's how we deal with dysfunction in a way that doesn't render a person a doormat, that is the thin line we sometimes tread. If you are stressed to the point of illness because someone has you on eggshells, then retreat is maybe the better way to go. No one deserves to be mistreated, spoken of in a bad way, abused....and to keep going back to that situation is like walking into a lion's den. You know the lion will attack you, yet you feel that the next time, it may change it's mind...and the next time after that...and the next, until you are finally defeated once and for all. It's the very definition of insanity...always expecting that different outcome, but never having it.
No one said life would be easy....
For today...if there is a chance to repair a relationship...try it. If you have a good relationship already, what can you do to make it better? Today is the only day you will have...the only sure bet. Tomorrow is not a given, so make the best of today while its here!