Dear God, it's me...can You hear me?

by any other name....for some, it's a way to deal with their inner demons.....

It's 3 am and I have been awake most of the night, God. Do You hear me? Do You see me crying hot tears of shame and pain? I cry because one of Your own has a drinking problem. How do I deal with this? How do I pick up the pieces yet again? He says that I knew what he was like when I married him. He says that it is my fault. He says that he won't stop drinking, not even for me. He says that he knows it's bad for him, but that he is invincible...immortal and that he'll live forever. Meanwhile, I watch in agony, knowing his blood pressure is high and why does he even bother to take those pills that are supposed to keep it in check anyway if all he is gonna do is drink? Why bother with the doctor if he knows he has it all "under control?" I fret because his nephew saw him drinking...because how do I explain alcoholism to a 14 year old? How do I explain it to his parents when they come by and the kid blurts it out, that his favorite uncle is drinking? How do I explain the slurring words, the walking into walls, the constant need for him to sleep it off? How do I tell HIM in a way that he'll understand that I am so TIRED of waiting for life to happen; that he works, he drinks, he sleeps...and I am left to wander the house and wait for him to wake up so that we can "do something?" How do I get through each day wondering if this will be the day he gets a DWI and ruins not only his life, but mine as well? How do I carry the weight of this burden without falling apart? Why, God, do You think I am strong enough to do this? Why DO I HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE? and mostly, Lord....why does there have to be alcoholism in the first place?

Lord, I married him for better or for worse. It's been worse more than better. You said that marriage is a lifetime commitment. I have lived through three lifetimes with stress, worry and fear...am I done yet? I am only 51 years old, Lord, but I feel one hundred and fifty one some days. I miss the little things  that he did when I first met him: the little notes that he placed everywhere, the times we'd hold hands while watching TV, the strolls we'd take outside, the lunches that we'd share at a nearby sandwich shop, the browsing in thrift stores...I especially miss the rose that he used to bring home from work each week. Now he makes excuses all the time..."I'm too tired, too this...too that..." and how long do I have to wait, Lord, before he will do those things again...? How long, Lord?

Lord...what do You have in store for me now? Where does my life go from here? How do I get through another day...another night? How do I get him to realize that he is not just hurting himself, but he is also hurting me? Does that even matter? Am I being too selfish? Oh Lord...if only You could come here, right where I am and help me to stop this damned crying.....I have said every prayer, Lord, every Hail Mary, every Our Father...every...everything! And yet he keeps on drinking. What will it take, Lord...what will it take before he realizes....it's just not gonna work anymore? 

So...it's now 4 am....and here I sit...I'm waiting for something to happen. Waiting for daybreak...waiting for the coffee to kick in...waiting for Love....waiting....

Well, that's it, God. I hope that You see this and understand...I am all alone, Lord. I don't mean to bug ya...seeing as how there is so much crap going on in the Mid-East..people being beheaded and killed for their faith...so I won't dwell on this any longer. Just...if You see the need to maybe... kinda... sorta help me here...I'd be much obliged.
Ok....that's all. Amen.