are you a fixer in need of fixing yourself?

 

I was listening to Chris Ingram on Praise radio today. His discussion hit home with me, so I will share it with you. He was referring to growing up in an alcoholic household as a child. Of how he felt that, due to the dysfunction, he had to act/react in a certain way, in order to know his place in a home that was so uncertain. He grew up trying to fix things, because even children know what should be a normal way of living--and what isn't.

I almost had to pull over, as I was driving at the time, and digest that little tidbit of information.

You see, my second marriage was that way. My husband was an alcoholic. I say, "was," because he passed away due to complications of COPD and his drinking and smoking sure didn't help him any. There were times when he would ask me why I felt as if I had to control "everything," why I couldn't just roll with the punches. Ouch! All of my life, I rolled. I had an abusive mom, so for 17 years I heard how I was an unwanted child. Everything in my little world as a child was filled with uncertainty. When I would eat. IF I would eat, as she used food as punishment. Then I was married for 25 years to a man who abused me. More uncertainty. So again, I walked on eggshells just to get through a day without being hit or hurt. When several days in a row passed without my being hurt, I wondered when the other shoe would drop.

Then husband #2, with his drinking and health issues. Once again, more uncertainty. So yes, forgive me if I felt as if I had to "control" things. I never knew, from one day to the next, what would happen. Living with an alcoholic is full of its own drama. Will he be drunk all day on his day off...or passed out? Will he be kind of drunk and try to drive, lying about how much he had to drink beforehand? Will he get in an accident, lose his license, kill someone else? When he was near the end of his life, his medications and alcohol didn't mix well, turning him into a monster I didn't even recognize from the sweet man I once knew. He would ask me why certain medicines weren't working anymore and I told him why. I went to al-anon, hoping that by my efforts at changing myself would, in turn, change him. He knew that. I asked him to stop, to quit, to change. But he said he'd change for no one. Thus...the pain for us both.

And here I was, just as Chris was, feeling as if I had to fix everything. I needed order in my world of disorder. Now that he is gone, I miss the sweet, sober man he could be when he wanted to be. But the trauma of being his babysitter still looms large in my mind. He has only been gone for seven months, still so fresh in my mind.

I tried to explain this feeling of loss, guilt, responsibility, pain and trauma to my in-laws. Being alcoholics themselves, they refused to hear it, that for me to even discuss this was just "running him down. You knew all of that when you married him! What would he think of 'his Princess' now, hearing you say all of that sh*t?" I told them how I loved him deeply but it was his choices that hurt me. It just fell on deaf ears. Sure, I did know "all of that," but, me being a fixer, I had hoped he could change.

Even HE had said many times, "I'm not hurting anyone but myself with my drinking." 

Um, no, you're hurting all you love, because we sit on the sidelines, waiting for you to return to reality. That is not love, that is hurtful, that is painful. True love means you want the best for ANOTHER at the sacrifice of what you want instead. It was said to me that I must just let go, move on, keep the past in the past, leave him in peace and so on. However, the trauma is stuck in my head. I have been dealing with abuse of one sort or another all of my life. ALL of my LIFE. How does one just turn off that switch?

Chris suggested getting INTO Scripture. Not just reading a passage and setting the Bible down, but reading and following through. Me, being a fixer, should know how to do this. But the guilt gets in the way and I am sure the devil is just having a good laugh at my expense, as he whispers in my ear how I am not good enough, I was never good enough, so maybe I just need to end my life here as well, just to get it over with.

But that isn't what God wants. I have to remind myself that God has me here for a reason. As hard as it has been, I am needed, wanted and loved. No one ever got to heaven the easy way. It isn't enough to go to church and declare oneself a Christian. One has to walk that talk, even if it feels as if one is walking on hot coals. Think back to the early Christians, who were stoned, crucified, imprisoned and more. I think often of the Apostle Paul, who rejoiced in his pain. And at that end, when he knew his mission was over, of how he declared he had fought the good fight.

I don't know when my own mission will be over. I do know that some people cannot be changed. It is for that reason, I have stepped back from those who feel I don't fit in with their idea of who I should be or should have been. Life is just too short to convince others of what is right, of trying to "fix things" and more. Matthew 10: 13-14 comes to mind.

"If the home is worthy, let your peace rest on it; but if it is not, let your peace return to you. And if anyone will not welcome you or heed your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town." 

May the peace of God be with you all.