the pain that you feel.........(for victims of childhood sex abuse)

The recent news about Penn State has made me reflect on things I do not wish to remember, but have happened in my own life. Unfortunately childhood sexual abuse occurs more often than we'd care to admit and it hurts more than we ever could imagine.

I was twelve and it was a close family member. I kept quiet until I was 17, then I finally spoke up. Back in the 1970's, even after admitting my horrible nightmare, I was told to "keep it quiet," because "things like this just didn't happen!" No one wanted to admit it, thus that reasoning. But it did happen then and it does happen now. It's the children who suffer, who act out, turning to drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity and even suicide....I was such a wallflower, a mouse...I never acted out....I turned it back onto myself. I became used to the idea that I could be abused, first by my mom...then by this family member...whom I trusted with my life until "it" happened...and finally by my first husband. I thought I was worthless. Ugly. Horrible. My mom knew...and said, "you must have done something to bring it about, because he would not just do that on his own!" My then husband's response was to say I "must have provoked him." Then whenever he wanted sex, many times it was more of a rape session than true passion between husband and wife.

And I kept silent about it from that point onward.

But now I am speaking out. Someone that I know personally was also abused as a teenager. I want to look into her beautiful eyes and say, "yes, I have been there and I know exactly what you feel and are still dealing with even now, years after the fact." I want to cradle her head on my shoulder and allow her to grieve for those lost years when she too, acted out....I want to take her pain away. I want to erase all of her fears and insecurities and say to her perpetrator, "DAMN you for doing that to her!!!" Mostly, I want to say this to her and to all who have been the VICTIM of this insidious abuse: "You are a person of value and worth. You ARE loved, more than you know! You are a beautiful person! You are strong and courageous! You can do this too!"

My friend...you are a survivor. And I admire you all the more for it! My prayers go with you. I wish you peace...Light....Love. Forgive...but never forget. Then, move forward.